partire e' un po' morire

it's a cold day, so cold that it's cold inside the flat, and i lay here wrapped up in one of Kate's blankets, knowing that she's sunning in the Turks & Caicos, which I am not sure is one island or a chain of islands, but I do know it's in the Caribbean. And that it's warm. I'll be under the rays soon enough, in Brazil. there is a bigger matter to attend to, that of my leaving. partire. lasciare. to depart. to leave (someone, something, a place, a thing, as in leave the keys on the table). we don't use 'to depart' much in modern, 21st century English. it would denote a trip alone, and expect some kind of return. for good. a pause in one's consistent life. my life instead has been consistently staccato, cut here and there by country and city and friendships that fade in and out of being near and far, of being daily and physical or not. i don't know if i expect that to change. i'm not expecting anything, really. for the first time in my life, i have no plan. dangerously impractical, i understand. and yet incredibly freeing, if not a tad bit daunting. it's like Simon & Garfunkel said in I am A Rock, sarcastically, 'and a rock feels no pain, and an island sheds no tears' - this is being human, and i must be a sucker for sucking the marrow out of life, for experiencing as much as possible, and even when i plant roots there will be lots of branches doing their thing, with a strong trunk. see, the idea originally, wow how many times it's changed this year .. well, one of the key ideas then, was to go to New York or Los Angeles, and get this or that job, and follow along, and that still could happen, but i'm not anchoring myself to any plan. i wanted some roots. i still want roots. i know that roots belong in place and in people. sometimes home is a person. sometimes it's a family. or a house. or a calling. all i know is that i'm leaving, and all that is not yet written will come to the page as the days pass. and i am like a bird. i feel very lucky in that i am not tied to anything or anyone, don't have an agenda and can so choose every thing with a pure heart.

i truly believe i have met the best people in all of london, and made them my friends. i fiercely love each and every one, and there is no leaving to be in their case, barring the quotidinian absence. and it hits me with tears on my face that although my heart breaks to not have the daily contact, i am a mother hen. i am a mother hen and couldn't be happier to realize i have been this way all along, but have just noticed. i bring people together, always have, always will, and in my nature i just want to nurture and feed and protect and make everyone laugh and have a good time and feel loved and warm, and this part of myself i have cared for and shared, and this is life, i will do this everywhere. and this is a very deep root, for all the countries i have lived in, and will live in, if i am indeed not done with all that, then i will continue planting the seeds for the whole table, cooking, gathering the chicks to my breast and pouring out the love onto their plates.