PS that's my sister Rachel, with the funky glasses, and me eating something (chicken?). This email exchange is with me and Trista, a mega-right on chick and friend of Rachel's, who lives in Amsterdam and wrote this email.
FROM TRISTA:
After escaping Kenya, I found an email waiting for me: 'Are you back yet…how was Kenya?' Jean was the sender. Hmm, let's see, I hadn't had a boyfriend or even a pretend one for a while and I recently been gagging for some good huggin' and cuddlin' and lookie what we have here, an email from ze super affectionate French ex-boyfriend…hmm indeed. I conspired to meet him for drinks and/or dinner. Conspired because he's in love and living with a Brazilian broad for a year and half now. Strangely, I felt comfortable thinking about kissing another girl's man, normally guilt keeps me away from the other woman roles but the need to be ooh-la-la'd with caresses overwhelmed. Anyway, I hadn't decided I was going to do anything yet, I would see what transpired.
He cycled round mine. I wanted to show him my place because I was overcome with the urge to show off: 'See, look at me now…I have my OWN place…on a canal no less…I'm not dependent on you…I have my own life and you can't take it away…WAAAAA!!!' Of course, he didn't ask for this confirmation but I was convinced I needed to give it to him. Plus I thought it prudent to check out my crib at the beginning of the evening because if I showed him at the end of the evening, it wouldn't be the end of the evening if you know what I'm sayin'. I wasn't yet sure what I wanted to do with him.
We made a quick enough exit to the tapas joint a short walk away from my pad. I know this may sound diva but I love going out with Jean because he'll foot the bill and encourage me to get whatever pleases me…YAY! He offers, I oblige. Yes, the beers turned into a bottle of wine, which morphed into after dinner cava. And yes, the thought of my lips touching his grew stronger in my head. Et oui, the vision of his girlfriend fizzled away with each sip of bubbly. We did a lot of review and reminiscing of our relationship…he came clean about many of his faults, which made Jean more appealing. It's so weird, we were together for 3 months, 2 years ago but the relationship still seemed to carry some weight…more weight with Jean I gathered. I didn't choose to grasp the depth of Jean's feelings while sipping champagne but it became sick clear he was still in amour avec moi. I'm sure I picked up on that vibe somehow, which is why I wanted to see him and be adorned with his affections.
And adorned I was! He has a sweetness of touch that I totally respond to. He kissed me like he adored me and I sopped it all up. His hands gripped me because he didn't want to let go. It was so slow and savory and scrumptious…our auras or chis or feng shuis were uniting and multiplying. I find these times irresistible. 'Ewe 'ar eevin mohr buuteefal than befohr.' Frenchtastic! That shit sounds so damn good. My sister pointed out, 'duh, that's because he really means it…he's still in love with you.' Ohhhhhhhh… We fell asleep on the couch, my head on his chest, one arm around me, the other hand cupping my head like a baby. We knew we wouldn't be making whoopie, he still had a girlfriend to go home to and it wasn't necessary, the kissing was enough nourishment. Then one of us stirred and broke the sleep. At 1:30am, he left into the cold and I went happily back to sleep.
The picture didn't stay rosy. Jean showed up to my improv show the next night and that's fab and all but he wanted to be all kissy kissy and touchy which struck me as a little possessive. Plus, it was my turf, he didn't know who I may be laying it to, he could be cock-blockin. AND, he's got a woman…did I mention she's 37 with a 5 year-old son Jean declares is his best friend? Him trying to steel kisses off me sprouted new feelings of guilt for the previous evening's rendezvous. Again, my sister had to point out, 'duh, he's in love with you and you were making out the night before. What do you expect him to do?' Ohhhhhhh…
I was pleased he left during the second show. Some other night he texted me during the booty call hours. I replied with an email the next day stating: 'our time at my house was lovely but guilt is setting in and I don't want to repeat the event.' He apologized and agreed. I felt redeemed.
Am I some sort of sorcerer who conjures up feelings from thin air like how XMEN's Storm makes it rain in an instant? As Jean cradled my head in his hands, drew me gently close and blessed my mouth with his, I was in love with him. A voice in my head rang 'I love you' each time we kissed…an hour later nothing, I was happy he left so I could sleep in the bed. At work, there are these dudes I simply salivate over. Anne (it's a boy's name, really) takes my breath away which is a totally weird thing to be happening at work. I catch sight of his back and I'm verklempt, physically I'm swirling inside…just from the sight of his back…clothed no less! I have such a strong reaction to the sight of him…what is that about? Am I meant to follow these rogue feelings? Is it Anne who sparks that fire or is it I and my wizarding ways who creates the magic? I'm good at fantasy-making, I can pimp out any dream. Yet, at other times, I can't be asked to pay attention to him, his glow seems to disappear those days or I need to take my wand in for re-servicing. I don't know much about him but I can sing you a song about his forearms, his long legs and blue eyes…Damn, he's yummy.
I am learning about this pull I have with some people. I will discover how to harness it like clock tower lightning and use it for my purposes. I will find my next partner this way. We will pick up on each other's frequency and draw ourselves to each other via uncontrollable forces. We will find ourselves in front of each other, we don't know how or why but we will be infinitely happy for it. We will have satisfied an amazing urge to know each other and we will just stand there and smile on one another.
More and more, the things I dream of doing are made manifest. I'm taking tango lessons! How brilliant this dance is! I'm learning lessons about myself, like, apparently, I'm a tad controlling at times. This dance only works, only shines, when the man LEADS the woman. Woe betide the young man who is doomed to partnerdom with me…I am wretched! The man prompts the lady when to move and places her where she needs to be and she follows unflinchingly. Unless she's Trista and thinks she is the man. I'm diabolical! This dance rests in the confidence of the man's arms but since we're all just starting, the men have a bigger hump to hurdle, which is prime time for me to jump in and TAKE OVER THE WOORRLLLDDD!!! The poor guys can't tame me, I'm stacked in confidence because I love dance and because my balls are bigger. I end up leading and making him step to my beat, I'm not willing to have us fuck up in his command…but…but…this dance only works when he leads…I have to be patient and trusting and accommodating and just let it go…a beautiful lesson to learn. The lady teacher chastises, 'you must follow.' I'm not even aware I'm taking over sometimes. When the man teacher takes me in his arms to show my partner a move, he commands my surrender. He is physically sturdy, he puts me where he wants me and I obey and that feels tremendous; to go loose and be whisked away…I AM PRINCESS.
I'm taking singing lessons; here I learn not to judge myself so damn much. My divine Swiss teacher Anna encourages me to play and have fun…she's also promised chocolate from back home. I'm taking snowboarding classes when we drive to France for a week-long ski trip at our catered chalet in the mountains! I'm going to be so badass! I plan to take Portuguese lessons because the language is too damn lovely, I want to try, I want to try. I FINALLY enrolled in a writing workshop because I declare, I WILL write a book this year.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, guys, listen. I've been reading these books and trying new things but I haven't revealed my full commitment for fear of sounding possessed. Plus I wanted to convince myself I hadn't stumbled into a cult somehow before I came forward. I saw a documentary on Jim Jones and the Jonestown Massacre and thought, dude, I could've been one of the ones who slurped on the spiked Kool-Aid; he was that convincing. My point is, even if I preach like a loon, I have no aspirations of being the leader of a cult or a member or the girlfriend of a member of a cult…maybe the girlfriend of a leader, just to see what perks come with the post.
I am not now or will I ever be a member of a cult and thus, any advice I give is not intended to make you one of us…one of us…one of us. I'm no longer afraid of you thinking me mad. I just want to share what I've learned.
Our lives as we know it have served us but not served us well. We're all hooked up in the Matrix of fear and insecurity and she has bigger tits than me and his kids are smarter than mine and I'm sooo stressed out. Take the blue pill or whichever pill it was and wake yourselves! We've got to expose this because on the other side of this realization is our salvation. I don't care how you go about it, whom you talk to, what you read, but please PLEASE, at least once in your life, challenge your beliefs. Make sure they're yours and if not, find out where they come from, ask yourself if you still believe, ask yourself what you want to believe. Shake this shit up my friends! If you think you're an old dog with no new tricks, if you don't have enough time, it's not for you or any other poor excuse for an excuse, it's all BOLLOCKS. It doesn't fly anymore, you have a responsibility to your life to make it sing.
I'm going through it right now. I'm talking peace like I've never known it, joy so great I get to pass some on, fulfillment, nourishment, growth, change and hot boys and lots of money too! I'm figuring out how to get some happy in my life and I implore you to do the same.
Please find yourselves. It's not cheesy to talk about your inner child anymore, there's more support these days for those who want change. Those of you with bambini, I speak more immediately to you because you can teach a new generation to love itself from the start! How wicked that would be!
I should not delude anyone; this journey I'm on is the hardest thing I've done. Dude, I wanted to jump off cliffs and throw toasters in my bath water the emotional turmoil was so strong at times. But I'm here and doing much better thank you. I live in fucking Amsterdam on a canal in the sweetest neighborhood. I cycle around a drop-dead gorgeous city populated with blindingly fine people. I get on stage and make people laugh. I get off stage and make people laugh. And this is just the beginning.
Do it. Do it now. Do something different. Be happy.
Stuff that's helped change me:
Drama of the Gifted Child
Power of Now
Divine Madness (about love with allegorical reference…ps. I'm not sure what 'allegorical' means but I'm using it damn it!)
Artist's Way
Attractor Factor
Conversations with God Book1,2,3 (I'm on 2)
The Secret
some Existentialist dudes
my sister
my writing
you
me
RESPONSE FROM SARAH, YOURS TRULY :) :
OhmyGod … that is too much! I have to say, I can relate so 100% to what Trista is saying about the magnetic energy and finding oneself … I have been literally thinking about friends lately and then getting their calls, emails, texts – or even bumping into them in the tube (okay, careful what you wish for, the last time was that guy I dated last year and he was all kissy-kissy with this girl who wasn't that cute – ooh Shallow Sarah strikes again ;-) . I realize that I can call people into my life by just putting them in my mind, and then they materialize. The next step is calling people, things, situations I don't know or haven't experienced – into existence. With time, with time. I haven't fully shared the experience of my Being in Action course, or the Foundation Course which I am now on. The Christmas table might not have been the best place … what with the whole family gathered round for some serious food action – politics doesn't conflict with gravy, same-ol, same-ol, but transformation might ! It's the same thing as when you digest and all the blood goes to the stomach so your body gets cold – that process happens when you start eating and so the brain doesn't want to handle big shifts. And what a big shift it has been !! Yeah, like Trista I get funked and fonked – this week for example is a funk, but I am sit-sit-sitting in it instead of running away. And getting to the heart about what it means to be human. I created a blog – finally !!! http://www.courageiskey.blogspot.com. That's right, courage is key, is the key to making life possible, the devil may care, go for it, be brave attitude to life. No matter what. Especially no matter what. The harder it is sometimes, the better it is to go through it. So I've been going through it, streamlining my body, mind and spirit with seriously healthy foods – lots of fish, vegetables, grains, very little meat, cream, butter and white flour/white sugar. We literally are what we eat, and I am making a big temple out of my body. This morning I did an hour of yoga, cleaned the dishes and steamed some vegetables, before work !!! So, it's actually a perfect day to be inspired by someone not too far from the little Anglo island I call home to be having similar jazzed, real feelings and experiences. I wasn't like this yesterday, that was the end of my fonky-funk. I decided to step it up, break the pattern by breaking the pattern … and it worked – I didn't really want to get out of bed this morning at 7, but I knew if I just got past those first five minutes of tiredness, everything would be fine. And it was. And it is. I am learning more about yoga and a bit of shiatsu and energy flow and am inspiring my friends to transform – two close girlfriends have done Being in Action and hopefully both will sign up for the three month Foundation Course. Wise womanhood, here I come! I am getting beyond who I think I should be and getting to who I really am. Looking inside, going deep, not staying on the surface, and of course being fully, openly presently in the world. With a truly open heart and mind. The boyfriend piece will surely follow, but I am no longer looking for it as a means to an end. No person or thing outside of yourself will ever make you happy; it's what you put into it that matters. Every time I went home, on walks on our lovely Wainscott Beach, I had the same conversation with you both, about whether I would meet someone after the 'failure' of my most recent long relationship, as if that would just snap me into life. How insane to wait for someone else to give you your life? And If they can't? Because they can't … it's not possible to give what one does not have to offer, what is not theirs. And so instead of making strategies to do this to get that, I am living – without taking actions because of where they lead, but buzzing on what life is – in the joy and monotony, in the bliss and the boredom. To find my own path. To carve my own happiness. To sow my own bliss. And share the harvest with others.
The books that have helped me in the past months are:
One Taste – Ken Wilbur
The Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle
Happiness – Lessons from a New Science – Richard Layard
The Secret – various writers
Excuse me, your Life is Waiting – Lynn Grabhorn
I still need to read Castaneda, and suggest that you do as well, and forgive the sixties for having brought him forth into the world of letters – he goes much deeper and wider than that generation. The key is to throw out the book though, all the books, read them and then throw them out. I don't mean this in a literal sense, but in the figurative 'don't get stuck' sense. There is no bible, no temple, no shrine, no totem of 'this is gonna save your life' out there. You are it. You are the connection with the divine. It's that simple, and yet for many, and for me on most days, it is that very difficult. But worth it. Way worth it. I am so connected that the other day, I was having a rough time of it and thought of my dear friend Solange who I thought I'd like to talk to, 'heard me', and got in touch. Life has really big plans for me that may not appear that way on the outside, nor may they manifest necessarily in 'outside things', but things are already starting to shift and move and percolate. I feel like brewing coffee on an Italian hourglass 'Moka'. And these beans are the business. They never would've thought all green and sunny on Columbian trees they'd end up all warm and smoky in a cup. Transformed. Because life is alchemy.
