Divorce Party

okay, so this is a first that i thought i would never live to see. not that i live entirely in the fairy tale zone of happily ever after, but it just seems a bit early for that. i mean, i hope that this is my first and last. not that i'm surprised about the event, the guy was not up to snuff and she was miserable and said she's happier than she was on her wedding day. which stopped me dead in my tracks. the thought of someone leaving a bad situation as happier than entering with hope and love into a union of marriage. the release as compared to the dive. these are not happy endings. or are they?

i struggle with the question of things not working out. of why some people are alone and others aren't. of where i fit into the spectrum. the success of a relationship and the ultimate union, marriage. one that works. and lasts. and doesn't have an end in sight, but a being, a sense of the every day. i don't have any other friends who will God willing be getting divorced anytime soon, and so this will have to remain an anomaly. so not necessarily a first, but a one-off. she doesn't seem to mind, really.

maybe i'm the one with the hang-up. the belief that someone couldn't possibly be happy after such a rupture, such a sign of failure. and only because of my 'personal story' is it so important to me that things work out that i don't completely give my heart away for fear they won't. well, that's all changing. i am open, open, open. doing things i am scared to do, breaking patterns, speaking my truth, understanding that nothing is easy and having a good life takes hard work. especially when one has been programmed for much less. of no fault of my own, or my mothers, or her mother, or her mother, it's just an inherited pattern, but the good news is that it's not forever fixed. anything can be changed.

Not Black, Not White

There will be casualties. Some of the casualties will become fertile ground for new growth, new life; and that too will be revealed. Others are just that, things that die that would’ve died anyway, they just get clipped sooner. They might’ve been tangling and energy-draining, something to do, someone to see, not much meaning but lots of company. The relationship that could’ve been, whose time was never really right, which might’ve been about more than the months in the calendar, but never knowing is its fate. The blindness of it all, of deciding to jump off a cliff and not knowing if it’s a ravine or a lake, causes its symptom, the headache of not being able to see, the mind buzzing with unanswered questions that eat each other whole and become bigger and stronger as that is their nature, the high-pitched asking only serving to accentuate the silent spaces in-between. This is called confusion.

And yet I sit here in my fishbowl looking out at clouds every day and think ‘is this it’? Is this it? Is everyone miserable at work? Is this what life is all about, is this what we’ve been evolving for millions of years to do, or is there something else out there? What if that something else was handed over? An alternative route. It might not be the right route. What is the right route? Is there only one right route? Could two routes be right? They can both lead to the same things, actually. That totally didn’t occur to me. There is no wrong decision.

Wow, that takes pressure off, doesn’t it. It’s okay if I go, and it’s okay if I stay, so no pressure! Even if it’s a big decision, it is not an exam. Not at test. There will be no punishment, no reward. It’s only what I make it. Because I make it. I take the opportunity and then turn that into something real. I think I’m ready. I needed that, a sit-down with myself. Because my gut wasn’t making any noise. Rather, it was hard to hear it over all the other noise. In a transformational sense, I was getting lost in either/or. I put up the dualistic dilemma and blew it up and had a field day with it. Classic confusion, boiled down to its most essential elements. An excuse for the pain body to go into its favourite sport – mental masturbation. Well, I’ve broken free !!!! I’ve broken free and there’s no going back. The world is full of abundance. And joy. And there are many paths. They are all right when they are worn with an open heart. Courage is key. Because it’s not afraid of the darkness or the uncertainty.

If we could really go to a palm reader and have our whole lives spelled out, would life really be that interesting to live? If we knew exactly what was going to happen next, it’s just like going through the motions really. I don’t even like having a two week social schedule, days packed with events and meetings, because there’s the feeling of having to ‘get through the diary’. It’s a big world, and the things that need to get through will get through, will change their shape to fit different spaces, that’s just how it goes. The Phoenix forever rises.